Why I’ll Probably Never Be a YouTube Famous Celebrity

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It’s been a while since I’ve decided to write anything for “ye olde” Hipster Hangout (between the plethora of videos that are showing up in and out and all about). 

What have I been up to since this last had text? Welllll…

But here’s where new people who are just introduced to me, somehow screw-up. They go “You should be on YouTube, your stuff is amazing”.

I mean, thank you. I do enjoy that, however there are so many problems as to why my stuff will probably never be on YouTube, and why I’ll never be a “YouTube famous celebrity” in the process.

1. I am naturally annoying, not forcefully annoying.

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Every YouTube celebrity, regardless of who they are has something about them that viewers find charming, and that thing I find REALLY SUPER ANNOYING. Rather it’s “getting fake angry” (because it’s forced), “forced facial expressions” (because “acting”), doing jump cuts to hide your “um”s and “uhs” (and probably other “talent” you might have).

No, when I’m annoying, I’m annoying. My voice gets annoying. My expressions get annoying. I know I’m annoying, but it’s NOT the likable “oh that’s crazy” annoying, it’s the “please shut up, you annoy me” annoying.

2. I don’t like the “production” side of things.

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As ironic as a guy with a television degree is to say he doesn’t like production, it’s totally different when it comes to YouTube. When I mean “production”, I don’t mean setting up lighting and getting the camera out and recording some stuff, now I mean the scummy “YouTube” production side of things.

The misleading thumbnails of people staring at breasts, video game characters, and video game characters, only making stuff because it’s “what’s trending” so they can stay current.

When you turn on the video, and you get that 3-5 second “flashy intro” before you get into the main video. I AM ALREADY ON YOUR CHANNEL, I DON’T NEED TO SEE THE FLASHY INTRO!  I know I am watching “SickAssVideosYouTube” because the channel box says “SickAssVideosYouTube”

While this is going on, there are banners playing on the lower third of your video, annotations reminding me to “check out” your other three YouTube channels among other pointless things.

And if you liked this video, be sure to check out my other videos over here (points to the top right) and right here (points to the bottom right) and don’t forget to click here to subscribe to my behind the scenes channel and video game channel.

Are you sorting these out to get different audiences? Or is this simply to work YouTube’s System…. BECAUSE!

One Channel = 3,000,000 Subs = Roughly $75,000 in revenue 
BUUUUUTTTTT IF YOU GET TWO CHANNELS, because you have 3,000,000 Subscribers who’ll do what they say.
One Channel = 3,000,000 Subs TIMES TWO (Two Channels) = $150,000 in revenue.

It’s scummy, and unfortunately, these are the kinds of people that YouTube loves to promote, because they give THEM money, and they get money, and for some reason, you people watch it, yes, you people.

3. Video Games.

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Toby has more subscribers in his Games Channel than his original channel (at least I assume that’s what the 3 means), and yet, the only thing that stands out in the icons, is that number “3” and the poorly photoshopped gaming headset attached to him.

Why does he do “video game videos”? My guess is that it’s ridiculously cheap to produce – do you have a computer that can record video, do you have a way to record your computer playing PC Games? You’re done. Just be sure to edit it in vegas so you can get that flashy intro and that “be sure to subscribe here and here”

Let’s Plays have become a very popular thing. Here’s my guess as to why it’s big – because several years ago, maybe when you were a kid growing up with Nintendo 64 (or I suppose GameCube) you had your friends over and played Smash Brothers or whatever. You played Legend of Zelda while your friends came over…. but times have changed, everything is internet, and those friendship days have passed for you, nerd. Maybe you have difficulty making friends, maybe that never happened to you, and you wish it did. Luckily, there is this guy who’s pretending to be your friend, by playing video games, staring at the camera, and telling “jokes” and giving you a “brofist”.

He’s your friend, I swear, he really loves you, and not just because you subscribed to his channel, you lonely lonely person. Keep telling yourself he’s your friend, because he “commented” on your comment. 

4. Numbers

 

 

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I really don’t care about numbers and viewers and statistics of videos. Oh yeah, you might be sitting back going “Well this Jordan guy is full of shit, he’s probably pissed because nobody watches his shit, because he sucks”. And in some ways, you are right, but just because a video or a person has so many viewers/subscribers doesn’t generally mean they are “good”.

Some videos get views because of a negative impact, others get views because someone decided to auto-play it and stir up the viewer count. There are videos that rarely get ANY views, and they are more entertaining than any of the stuff you see in the “Recommended” section of the site.

It’s this horrible thing we do on YouTube (and just about social media) at least some people do – in which they try and make it a “contest” of some sorts to encourage following or subscribing to people. Please get me to 5,000 Followers, and I will giveaway something. Please get me to 3,000 subscribers and I will do his “amazeballs” video. (Side Note: Amazeballs would make a great name for a fast-casual restaurant themed around meatballs)

You know what it tells me? It tells me you couldn’t care less about the other 4,999 followers before you, or the other 2,999 people who liked your stuff in the first place, and actually helped give you buzz. It’s all about that “5,000” it’s all about getting to that hundred, that million…. And if you dare pull that shit, while I’m following you, I’m instantly unfollowing you and unsubscribing, just to make that challenge even more challenging for you.

Obviously, my subscription doesn’t matter, and neither does the rest of these people…. but you need to get to that 2,000 so we can see your dad dance Gangnam Style.

5. No Passion

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Like television, there are different types of programming on YouTube. It’s going to be tough to explain this part, so I am going to try and bulletpoint this.

  • Webseries – a series of videos for the web.
  • Scripted – something with a story, a purpose, characters/acting.
  • Unscripted – something without a script, but might have purpose (eg. playing tabletop games)
  • Crowd-funding – asking people for money to jumpstart this idea.

When it comes to scripted webseries – you get two types of people.

You get the people who have their passion in this project, maybe they’ve always wanted to make a webseries about Dracula entering the Online Dating scene, or maybe a project for a television show that revolves around Bacon around America.

They want these projects to succeed, because they’ve been passionate about this. Not just because they say “I am passionate about this” (75% of the time, that’s a lie) but because they have a vast interest in this field, they’ve written down almost everything and have envisioned what it would look like in their head.

Then there are the types that have no passion and funny enough – these people are my brethren – film school students. It’s people who are working on a student project, that maybe 1 or 2 people actually liked, but the rest couldn’t care for. Maybe it’s they are fresh out of film school, and are trying to do a webseries so they can build up their resume (but they couldn’t care less about the story, so they just throw things together – and make it a “Romantic Comedy” or a “Action Thriller” or “Sketch Comedy”)  — these people, you should avoid. If they really wanted to make a goofy spy film, you’ll know right away, by their presentation, and how much it would mean to them to get the funding. — or if they chose the route of burning credit cards, sending it to festivals, and then uploading it to youtube, only to get upset that their “award winning flick” only has like 310 views, while “Guy eats 12 Krispy Kreme Donuts in 5 minutes” ended up getting 310,000.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO UNSCRIPTED

The passion lies to those who do NOT care about the numbers and the subscriber count. They don’t care about the money that they are pulling in from YouTube, they are simply making videos, because they love to make them. Maybe they love to unbox stuff on the internet, and would LOVE to show the world what they got, or maybe a collection of toys that they grabbed at a flea market, maybe it’s a song or dance or performance they’ve created…. they started at 0 views, they are ecstatic when it went to 100, and will be flipping out if it even got 100,000.

You’re playing video games on the internet NOT because it became “a trend”, but because you really love video games. You really just want to show off video games, and can’t think of a better way of doing it. If you show yourself having fun with the game, maybe other people will pick up the game and have fun too. (HINT HINT: Most of those videos are really only “one part”, if you’re seeing “multi-part” videos, odds are it’s just a way to attract viewership into the PERSON, not the game)

INSTEAD OF…

Reading meta-data and trying to do something spur-the-moment of what is big. Is it vampires? pirates? superheroes? what is it this time?

Getting pissed off because Nintendo decided to take ad-revenue from your lets play. Because “If you don’t get money, why bother making the video in the first place”? Sadly, this is a reality we are living in.

Or worse of all – quitting making videos because somebody else is getting more famous than you. I should stop, I only have 10 subscribers, and I will never be able to get to 10,000…. keep going… 

Just make videos…. keep going… you’ll be surprised when one suddenly “goes viral”, just don’t force it.

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