Jordan’s “Depressing Posts” #3 – Writer

Welcome to Part Three of the ongoing “Depressing Posts” series, in which I am talking about careers people have told me to be, and why – for some bizarre reason. I will never, probably ever, become them.

Chapter One... ummmm...

Ah yes, writing… something people tell me I am good at. Something people actually tell me I should do full-time. Something I have said I should be and it will be grand and peachy…

Well “writing” is a bit vague, so I am going to break it down to three types – “Freelance Writer”, “Screenwriter” and “Book Author”.

FREELANCE WRITER

I write things because it’s sometimes the best way to get my train-of-thought out. I write because if I say it, people will get confused. Funny enough, even if I write something – people get confused. So either way, I am fucked. So if I wrote full time. It would be about things that I was paid to talk about. I would be a “Game Journalist” or a “Movie Reviewer” or a “TV Guide Synopsis Guy”. Which sound fun at first, will eventually be consuming to “what does the audience want”.

I already know I am HORRIBLE at spelling and grammar. I use way too many commas and hyphens. Many sentences are just run-ons, and if you were a college professor, you would look at my papers and wonder if I just sent-in a rough draft and nothing else (the answer is “yes”). So yeah, editing is not one of my strong suits. It just goes and I am done. I never look back.

So, let’s just pretend that I work for a video game website, and I get to write a review for a video game. It HAS to be at least 700 words. So I begin writing and writing nonstop talking about it’s controls, it’s story, the soundtrack and everything. I give it a 8 out of 10 and call it a day. People will then begin to criticize my work, because I didn’t give it a “high enough score”, maybe the game was a sponsor of the website, and they are gonna pull down ads because I didn’t like it’s storyline. I’d have to just lie to people and say “it’s a good game” from now on, or just write like every other reviewer and say “AMAZEBALLS EPIC FTW” among other shitty things that only middle schoolers drugged-up on Monster Energy Drink would say over Xbox Live.

I’d grow to hate myself… and even if I got paid for THIS blog – would probably feel the same way. People would pay money for a guy with barely any diction to write things that people will be confused if it’s an actual statement or a plea for help.

SCREENWRITER

I’ve dabbled in screenwriting. I know about story structure and all that. However, I am a guy who was fueled by game shows. I don’t like writing screenplays, it annoys me. Not only do I have to pretend to be different characters, I have to make sure everybody is “different, but connected”. If it’s a short film, I have to make sure everything is filled, If it’s a television show, i’d have to come up with a hook for next week’s episode, and a proper series finale.

When it comes to Movies, Hollywood doesn’t care unless they can make it a trilogy.
When it coemes to TV shows, Hollywood wants it to go as long as possible, or until it dies out (thank god Breaking Bad had a finale.)
and let’s not forget – when it comes to writing for Movies and TV shows, more or less you are writing about someone else’s ideas. Rather it’s an adaptation of a comic book franchise (A Deadpool Cartoon Series? I’m available, Disney) or an idea that worked with other tv shows (Vampires and Werewolves dating zombies?). There is rarely an original idea left in Hollywood. Even “Under the Dome” is compared to “The Simpsons Movie” before ever talking about it’s book.

INT. Book Store – DayJACOB (20s) is browsing the comic book department, opposing MELISSA (20s) in the Manga Department.

JACOB
Spiderman…Superman… where is it?

Jacob knocks out a comic book and glances

JACOB
Naruto? The hell is that?

MELISSA
Oh, that’s it!

JACOB
This is yours?

MELISSA
It’s Manga, it’s Japanese Comic Books

JACOB
Interesting, I thought the only thing that came from Japan was Robots with Seizures.

MELISSA
It’s based off an anime.

JACOB
Good to know, you wouldn’t happen to know where I could find any X-Men would ya?

MELISSA
Well funny enough

Melissa pulls out a X-Men comic over on her side.

JACOB
They really need to fix the shelving at this place.

MELISSA
I know right?
I got nothing… this was just boredom at it’s absolute worst… I suppose that was a Romantic Comedy about nerds or something? I mean, you could just pretend that was Big Bang Theory fanfiction if you wanted to and throw in a “Bazinga” or two. But it’s not that interesting, and my idea of comedy is very different to that of modern audiences.

BOOK AUTHOR

See both FREELANCE and SCREENWRITING. It doesn’t matter if it’s Fiction or Non-Fiction, I have pretty piss-poor grammar. Fictional stories are also pretty difficult to understand, considering I was pretty horrible at Reading Comprehension in school (I barely passed English Classes over book reports and summaries – Ooh Ahh, Lord of the Flies – Piggy Dies, who cares?)

Even if I write one of those “Comedy Books” (see – just about every comedian in the last five years) where each chapter is on a different subject and I write about it… it isn’t really that interesting. I have no “appeal”, I am NOT Maddox, I am NOT the guy from The Oatmeal, and I am not that douchebag Tucker Max. (With his new book “Yeah, I’m an asshole, I know it, you should love it and suck my dick” available at all Spencers Gifts nationwide.

And then I’ll have to give book tours, and people might ACTUALLY ask me my thoughts on why I wrote certain things, and most of the answers will be “because I was bored” or “because I needed the money”.

WOULD ANYBODY BE INTERESTED IN READING A BOOK BY ME? WHAT WOULD IT EVEN BE ABOUT?

And plus, I get writers block, that happens all the time.

Your Thoughts?

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