Detective Comics Comics – Wait, What Did We Do Here Now?

Before I get started with writing another rant that will be ignored just like many opinions on the internet, I just want to say that I might be able to only make one Hass’ Office a Week (if any) and will try and update this blog more.

I figure that for some bizarre reason people like my opinions on things. So I made Hass’ Office as a means to make my presence a little more well known around the internet. I am a marginal success, because I am happy making the videos, and people generally seem to be happy with the videos. (Numbers do not matter for me. I just assume I am talking to myself)

This blog, Hipster Jordan’s Garbage Emporium is supposed to just be the last for me to clear my mind about things. And this week has been nothing but things to ramble about, but the lack of time has caused me to really write and record any new episodes. I have three just in case, but I would like to continue making them for you.

This was originally going to be one of those episodes, but I’ve decided to just rewrite the rant to a blog post instead, doesn’t matter – I’ll get the same amount of views.

OR IS IT NOW?

http://hasdcdonesomethingstupidtoday.com/ is a good source for finding out if DC Comics has done something stupid, duh. But remarkably this week, they did a few things that even I would say is pretty stupid.

I should preface this by saying I am by no means a “comic book expert”, I just now got started in comic books. As in about a year ago. My first pick-up was Deadpool, but ever sense the “Deadpool Game” and the fandom of the character, I’ve kinda grown to not really like it as much. He’s my favorite in the Marvel Universe, sure, but with his real super-skill of “unpredictability” being stuck to “being as predictable as possible if you check out internet memes” – you lose interest. Let me know if Deadpool decides to “Twerk” and make “Selfies” in the next issue… because OMG DATS DEADPOOL!
In an effort to try and not be biased, I decided to jump over to DC. They have “New 52”, a rebooted version of beloved comic book characters. As I have enjoyed DmC:Devil May Cry, I too have no problems with reboots. So I’ve checked it out, it’s a bit puzzling to understand backstories and how they met, but “Sure, Whatever”.

And of all the characters in that universe, my favorite just happens to be “Nightwing” aka “Dick Grayson” aka “My Lookalike”, the former Robin who now stars in his own comic (and is voiced by some singer in Young Justice)

photoBATBOY

I think it’s just the hair… and maybe the lips…

So because I enjoy reading my comics DIGITALLY (it’s really easy to see the pages without the needed staple) I picked up FOREVER EVIL #1 because it’s a new issue and was told Nightwing was in it.

WELL SHIT.

Well it starts out as they unmask him in front of the entire world (via internet or television or something). I am okay with “reveal the identity” angle for books, because generally, when you reveal the identity of a superhero, everyone around them gets in a world of hurt. So the next issues, unfortunately, will now revolve around the people Grayson knows (Batman, Superman, Babs, and maybe Red Robin)

But the way they revealed it, was so horrendously stupid, I just laughed.

GOT YOUR DOX

This was shown in one panel – they flashed his drivers license. featuring his “address” (Chicago, not Bludhaven because writershometownwhatever) and “social security” among other things. And the first thing I said was “they dox’d dick?”. They ended up doing the “internet troll” thing of posting someone’s personal information in retaliation for something? The modern-day equivalent of prank calling someone and ordering pizzas to their house. (Which, although I like pizza, I always do carry-out. It’s much faster)

So while that bummed me out, I’d like to see what they do in the next issue.

Here’s stuff, I’d hate to see and why.

  • He changes his look through plastic surgery and gets a name change to reflect that of the Christopher Nolan Batman Universe. (Dark Knight Rises was the weakest of the three films, and the ending solidified it for me.) A “Nightwing” movie is better spent showing off Dick and Bruce arguing, why Dick left, and pursued other things. And how Grayson is always “living under the shadows” of Batman.
  • He dies. Pretty much everybody in Batman world has died at least three times. Just to make it even more ‘grim’ for Batman. Recently, Damian died and Bruce was sad. Add this to Jason dying in “Death in the Family” and then say “fuck it – we are gonna kill grayson” and you have a recipe for disaster. Even if this ends up being an alternate-story, so he still ends up having issues next month, I’m up for it.
  • They get a new “Nightwing”, he just becomes “Intelligence”. There are so many Green Lanterns out there, and different Robins. that even saying “Robin” you have you say “Which one?”. I think by getting rid of Grayson and replacing it with someone else, will bring tons of hate mail from comic book fans. I know I’d be one of them.

But that’s just personal with me and comic books… now let’s get national…

IT'S ASSIGNMENT AMERICA TIME AGAIN!

DC Comics has a contest where you draw four panels of Harley Quinn, Obsessive Joker Fangirl, in four different “funny suicide poses” to become intern for a day or something. In a lazy effort to promote Harley Quinn’s “Suicide Squad” comic books.

Some say it’s distasteful because they are exploiting women, but have you SEEN some of the costumes female superheroes wear? It’s very revealing, wouldn’t you say?

Some say it’s distasteful because it’s promoting suicide, which as of this writing, is “National Suicide Awareness Week”, which is kind of a bad move on their part. Which I wouldn’t say it does, as instead shows the personality of Harley Quinn as someone who really is not afraid of death, or is oblivious to death around her. While the panels may be humorous, suicide isn’t funny.

And for me, I think it’s just a quick tasteless way of promoting a comic book, and the “controversy” is quick buzz to garner some publicity for the company. In other words, DC is trying to be “WCW”.

If you want to draw these… here you go…

PANEL 1
Harley is on top of a building, holding a large DETACHED cellphone tower in her hands as lightning is striking just about everywhere except her tower. She is looking at us like she cannot believe what she is doing. Beside herself. Not happy.
PANEL 2
Harley is sitting in an alligator pond, on a little island with a suit of raw chicken on, rolling her eyes like once again, she cannot believe where she has found herself. We see the alligators ignoring her.
PANEL 3
Harley is sitting in an open whale mouth, tickling the inside of the whale’s mouth with a feather. She is ecstatic and happy, like this is the most fun ever.
PANEL 4
Harley sitting naked in a bathtub with toasters, blow dryers, blenders, appliances all dangling above the bathtub and she has a cord that will release them all. We are watching the moment before the inevitable death. Her expression is one of “oh well, guess that’s it for me” and she has resigned herself to the moment that is going to happen.
Like I said, really lazy. PANEL 1 and PANEL 2 show her wanting to die, but can’t… PANEL 3 shows not a real ’cause of death” but instead something “dumb and deadpoolish” and PANEL 4 is “yeah, i got lazy, so we’ll just have her electrocute herself in a bathtub”.
If anything, I’m just pissed they did this contest around the time of “Suicide Prevention Week”. But that’s just me.
Very Attractive.
And finally, in case the talk of Batman wasn’t enough –  ‘Batwoman’ writers exit, claiming DC scotched plans for groundbreaking lesbian marriage at least according to Entertainment Weekly.
Batwoman, as probably only a few of my readers know, is a lesbian. Her real identity is Kathy Kane and she already has a detective girlfriend by the name of Maggie, they got engaged. While that would be exciting to have a wedding, the “powers that be” decided that NO, SHE CAN’T GET MARRIED. So they both walked off.

Heroes shouldn’t have happy personal lives. They are committed to being that person and committed to defending others at the sacrifice of their own personal interests.

That’s very important and something we reinforced. People in the Bat family their personal lives basically suck. Dick Grayson, rest in peace—oops shouldn’t have said that,—Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake, Barbara Gordon and Kathy Kane. It’s wonderful that they try to establish personal lives, but it’s equally important that they set them aside. That is our mandate, that is our edict and that is our stand.

“So yeah, go fuck yourself Aquaman and Mera. You’re supposed to have a dark past that attracted our audience of depressed teenagers”

And this is something, I just don’t understand…. Superheroes CAN’T HAVE HAPPY PERSONAL LIVES? Are you fucking kidding me? The best part about comic books isn’t the fact it’s “all about the action”, it’s also about the “drama” and the “comedy” that it incorporates. Who the hell is Lois Lane going to choose? NOBODY, BECAUSE SUPERMAN HAS TO FIGHT CRIME AND PRETEND HE HAS A MISERABLE SOCIAL LIFE AS CLARK KENT

When throw in “Marriage”, you are heightening the relationship to it’s “highest peak”. After that, all you can do is either make the love interest a widow, kill off the love interest, or have a “Superhero Divorce” (YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT NOT HAVING A HAPPY PERSONAL LIFE? JUST IMAGINE BRUCE WAYNE FORGETTING TO SIGN A PRE-NUP?)

Audiences want to see the heroes win, and there to be a life-lesson to take from all of this. But the lesson I learned this week, which I probably should’ve learned earlier – is that to DC, it isn’t about retaining it’s audience, it’s about getting as many people as quickly as possible.

Even if you are a “good guy” and you end up saving the day, and getting the girl. In the land of DC, you deserve to  have your superhero career ended, and your real-life relationships at a stand-still. You deserve to be depressed, and if you feel suicidal – do it, because Harley Quinn seems to be having fun.

Which is really fucked up, but then again. Nothing cheers me up more than seeing people who watch “Teen Titans” (or “Teen Titans Go”) and then pick up the comic books and go “WAIT, WHATS GOING ON? WHERE’S THE ANIME EXPRESSIONS?”

…I hope they don’t kill my look-alike.

One thought on “Detective Comics Comics – Wait, What Did We Do Here Now?

  1. “Heroes shouldn’t have happy personal lives. They are committed to being that person and committed to defending others at the sacrifice of their own personal interests.”

    DC Comics: We want every superhero to be like Batman.

    One of the problems with making every superhero in your universe have a crappy personal life is that your superheroes in general become less interesting.

    Popcorn Boy: I brood because my life sucks.

    Grey Mouse: I brood harder because my life sucks.

    Wonder Robot: I brood even harder because my life sucks.

    The Ferret: I brood even harderer because my life sucks.

    See? Just because something works with Batman doesn’t mean you should do it with EVERY superhero.

    Superman could sit in the dark all-day and push Lois and Jimmy out of his life because he has super powers, and still be uninteresting to readers. Why? Because Superman still flies around in blue and red tights and a cape. Really edgy stuff, DC.

    Also, the bad guys know your Youtube, Nightwing. RUN!

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