Monthly Archives: January 2013

I still don’t understand “Game Grumps”.

In the new year, I made an article about people playing games for the internet and even in a rant earlier this month, talked about things I just don’t like (including mayo).

HILARIOUS COMEDY

Well one of those things on the list was “Game Grumps”, and I could sum it up in that one picture I found on Google Image Search – Egoraptor looks like his ego was inflated, and “Did You Know Gaming” looks like his hair is ready to eat him alive – or bored, one of them anyway.

…hey isn’t that MAGFest? I love their contributions to Music and Gaming!

Well technically, they have a contribution in the form of a Let’s Play channel called GAME GRUMPS!

The show is about Jon and Arin and they play video games, and yell in the microphone and do stuff. I’m linking to apparently “the best” episode – The Sonic 06 Episode… and I still don’t get it.

That’s kinda what I’m wondering – why was this entertaining?

Because I could do a search of “Let’s Play Sonic 2006” and find just about the same things….

There’s even one from this loser playing the game. And I think the jokes are almost all the same in every single one of these. HEY SONIC IS TALKING TO HUMANS – PRETTY CRAZY RIGHT?!?

Looking at Game Grumps, I could put this into the same perspective as “Two Best Friends Play” a series on Machinima.

Two Best Friends Play is a show about friends Matt and Pat as they play video games and talk about stuff. In their production, it seems like they recorded themselves playing for hours and then put in simply “the best jokes” from the playthrough. Early episodes we’re around 8 minutes, now they’ve doubled (the jokes have really fallen flat). And they’ve claimed influences from Giant Bomb and other LPers in their gameplay.

Both have two friends playing game, both “had” edited their playthoughs, but slowly as videos are churned out weekly, the jokes get either lazy or repetitive.

Instead of taking time to make the next episode, or take breaks – it MUST be done again and again for you to enjoy, and considering.

  1. Fandom ruins everything.
  2. The internet is lazy.

And because….

  1. Fandom always demands more
  2. Video Game playthoughs are pretty easy to make (and don’t require much editing)

You get more and more!

AND YOU TOO CAN BUY OFFICIAL GAME GRUMPS MERCHANDISE!

FUND MY EGO

I’m surprised Machinima isn’t putting Game Grumps on their channel, considering IT’S SUPER POPULAR!

They even have fanfiction!

But the problem is – Arin and Jon have other investments. Arin does those flash cartoons and Jon has a tumblr with gaming facts… the longer they spend on this – the less time they have to focus on what really made them “internet celebrity famous”.

And I don’t think there is any reason to really “hate” Game Grumps. I just fall into the small percentage of people who don’t really get it and feel that everybody has a better investment in their time.

Like playing the video games themselves.

5 Reasons Why You Stopped Reading ‘Cracked’

COMEDY WEBSITE

If you’re reading this, odds are you are probably getting this link from a twitter message from some jerk, instead of spammed on reddit or digg or facebook. And you’re probably the same person who stopped going to Cracked. BUT HERE ARE FIVE REASONS WHY YOU PROBABLY STOPPED READING CRACKED.

#5 – You remembered Cracked used to be a Mad Magazine ripoff.

YEAH!

Before the internet, Cracked used to be a magazine that competed against Mad Magazine. One had the beloved Alfred E. Neuman and the other had some Janitor person named Schymte? Smithy? Something. I just remembered it was mostly weak puns and they had a funny version of “Ask The Editors”. Other than that, I think it was decapitated Ninja Turtles or something.

#4 – Because half the shit you already knew back in High School.

NOT SUGGESTIVE

Most Cracked readers are those in middle school, but when they enter Grades 9-12, they might actually find out that they aren’t so stupid after all and pick up some factoids along the way. Did you know Custer’s Revenge for Atari had naked people? Well if you were some  horny teenage nerd like the ones in the movies, you probably did. Bonus points if you found out FED EX HAS A SECRET ARROW TOTALLY CRAZY FACTS FOR THE #YOLO GENERATION

#3 – Because Pop Culture References weren’t funny when Family Guy returned.

YOUR STUPID LIFE!

Did you know we get the term “Jump The Shark” from an episode of Happy Days in which Fonz attempts to literally “jump a shark”? Did you even see that episode? Probably not, let alone watch a single episode of “Happy Days”. But that’s okay, some guy out there remembered and bothered to tell you. So that way you can pretend you are so “hip and cool” by remembering something from a show you never watched. Isn’t that clever?

#2 – Facts that aren’t really facts, but we believe actually happened.
DIEING OF COMEDY LOL!

It’s a fact that most of the facts on Cracked aren’t really facts at all, but rather opinions scattered around things that might’ve occurred, but with no proven record could be just as real as any urban legend you might have heard. DID YOU KNOW THE MOST DANGEROUS DAY OF THE YEAR IS BLACK FRIDAY? I didn’t do the study, or the statistics, but this photo of people crowded on a wall and a news story I read about someone getting tased inside a Best Buy should prove my fact to be right. Unlike MentalFloss, I can’t bother with sources.

#1 – Because they called themselves a comedy website, and you’ve never laughed once.

LOL SALAD SO RANDOM!

If you really think about it, Cracked isn’t really that much of a “comedy website”. Usually “comedy” comes with a set-up and a punchline. But with Cracked, the comedy comes from the fact that you’re stupid and they know you’re stupid. So while they “educate” you in a countdown format, you feel obligated to go “OH MY GOD, I REMEMBER THAT” and reblog it to your friends on the social media networks. Was it ever funny in the first place? Probably not, but maybe if we install a Laugh Track, it’ll be just as funny as ‘Big Bang Theory’ in no time.

Don’t be so mayo.

I made a post on tumblr featuring the things I don’t like in 60 seconds

  • The Angry Video Game Nerd after 2009
  • The Irate Gamer
  • People who hate “The Irate Gamer”
  • Everyone on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses that is NOT Brad Jones
  • Let’s Plays
  • People who TALK over video games and call them “Walkthroughs”
  • People who talk over YouTube videos (Commentary Channels)
  • People who do jump cuts in their rant videos
  • The Game Grumps
  • Did You Know Gaming? (Tons of False Info)
  • Egoraptor’s fanbase (see – the tester)
  • Bronies
  • YouTube Celebrities who have separate channels to “follow”
  • YouTube Celebrities who decided to play video games on the internet for extra money.
  • People angry at video games
  • “Rage Quit” on Rooster Teeth
  • The concept of “trolling” used because you don’t like somebody
  • Cyberbullying
  • Mayonaise
  • Cold Marinara Sauce with Breadsticks.

I forgot to include “TV Tropes” – but that’s for another day.

The last two aren’t food items because “LOL RANDOM BECAUSE FOOD IS RANDOM” – I sincerely hate mayonnaise.

And because someone wanted to know  I decided to answer them.

1. The smell

For some bizarre reason mayonnaise has this smell that reminds me of canned tuna (which is just as disgusting, if not moreso)

2. The Taste

Egg and Oil! That’s pretty much the only ingredients you need. And I dislike eggs, especially uncooked eggs, which is here.

3. It makes sandwiches messy

I like my sandwiches dry – no need for a dressing . Putting it on ruins the taste of the vegetables and the meat.

4. Hamburgers are better with toasted butter buns

Soggy + Soggy does not mix.

5. There was this one time when a friend told me it tasted like oreo creme filling, and then when I grabbed a big spoonful and put it in my mouth, I gagged and he laughed his ass off.

What a dick, I hate him.

 

There is no such thing as a “Hardcore Gamer”.

HE'S HARDCORE!

What is a “Hardcore Gamer”?

According to Urban Dictionary:

hardcore

Let’s break the entire thing down, for the sake of argument and to prove my point – HARDCORE GAMERS DO NOT EXIST (and if you believe they do – you fell into marketing bullshit)

Someone who plays video games as a primary hobby. They tend to spend large amounts of time playing games, often in excess of two or three hours a day.

The problem here is “two to three hours a day” – for me, I don’t usually play games on the weekdays, but rather weekends. But if you tabulate the amount of time one plays “Angry Birds” or “Farmville” – it might end up tabulated to a couple hours.The difference between “Hardcore Gaming” and “Casual Gaming” is rather or not you have “video games” as your primary hobby. I can tell you right now – it is one of my many hobbies. But as you probably have seen in the archives – my other hobbies include watching professional wrestling and talking non stop about game shows. Especially Game Shows – Am I “A Hardcore Game Shower”?

Does this mean by playing “The Sims Social” – I am qualified under “Hardcore Gamer”?

Hardcore gamers tend to care less about graphics then casual gamers. While some specialize in a single genre, they typically have fairly diverse taste in games, frequently playing a wide variety of games from different genres. They’ll often seek out obscure and older games, based on word of mouth or positive critical reception. Hardcore gamers put good gameplay above all else, and don’t mind if a good game has poor (or even nonexistent) graphics, sound, characters and plot.

So a “Hardcore Gamer” is somebody who only cares about rather or not a game a game has “good gameplay” instead of anything else. But what exactly is “good gameplay”?

Gameplay is any mechanism used in the game for the player to interact with (ie “saving” “killing” “collecting” or “getting from point a to point b” or “surviving”).

The term “Good Gameplay” is arbitrary – as is people’s opinions on video games. Some would argue that the best “FPS Game” is Goldeneye 64, others would say older games like Doom and Quake and others would say newer games like Half Life 2 or Battlefield 3.

And just like “critical reception” – that too is different. As explained by my DmC review – I happened to really love the game, and major reviewing websites (IGN, GameSpot) and minors (GiantBomb, Destructoid) as well. But the “critical reception” could be “terrible” because of the previous fanbase not liking the direction of the game.

DmC Haters are just as crazy as the Westboro.

Sure, there are  9s and 10s for a game – but does that mean people will go out and pick up the game?

For most people – No. Unless the game matches some of their tastes in previous games. Resident Evil 6 is a fine example of just because a game got “okay scores” doesn’t mean people would enjoy it.

But to “The Hardcore Gamer” – YES! YOU WILL BUY IT! And that’s where the marketing thing comes in… because if you believe in “10/10 Game of the Year” as being the only reason to play a game. You’ve created a sub-segment in culture, and thus can be marketed.

Like this really old commercial from Blockbuster Video in which you can be “coached” into playing games better – by someone who is “MORE HARDCORE” than you (because he’s played all the 10/10 Game of the Years)

PREORDER NOW

Or because we’ve now found out that “10/10 Game of The Year” includes Gran Turismo – and there so happens to be a Gran Turismo game coming out. And we found out “Hardcore Gamers” will buy anything that has critical acclaim – PREORDER THE GAME NOW KIDS! GET YOUR PREORDERS!

SIDENOTE: I hate preorder bonuses – it’s DLC that should be available to the user, but won’t be unless you blindly gave the $60 ahead of time. The only way it’s justified is if you can purchase the preorder bonuses later via Xbox Live or PSN.

DRINK OF GAMERS

And because “Halo” is such a “AAA” game – we can now market a soda to get those “Hardcore Gamers” to spend money. Do you REALLY think Mountain Dew wants to be “The Gamer Drink”? It’s part of Pepsi-Co, they just want you to buy them up to make a profit. By associating this new “Cherry Citrus Mountain Dew” to gamers – we are promoting a video game (with money associated by Microsoft/Bungie) and we are making “Hardcore Gamers” believe this drink is geared towards them. When in reality, it’s a ploy to get you to spend some of your “gaming dollars” on a 12-Pack of Fizzy Drink.

Mountain Dew – YOU AREN’T A HARDCORE GAMER UNLESS YOU DRINK THIS GAME FUEL
You – But I am a Hardcore Gamer! I can stand risking Type-2 Diabetes in order to be COOL TO THE CORE!

Game Journalism

And then game journalists like Geoff Keighley have to report on this, as if it has any meaning to video games. And because he is a “critically acclaimed game journalist” – you’ll have to trust his word AND DID YOU SEE THOSE DORITOS AND MOUNTAIN DEW? HE’S SUCH A HARDCORE GAMER!

And the vicious cycle continues – now there is a dividing line where “The Hardcore Gamer” can no longer trust journalists because they are just “PR Marketing”, when in reality – that’s what made them a Hardcore Gamer in the first place. Game Journalism hasn’t changed since the days of Nintendo Power – it’s always been promoting video games.

Even when you picked up a Video Game Magazine in the 90s – GamePro, EGM, whatever, look at the advertising at the games. Notice how many of the advertising in the magazine are for video games and/or are things geared towards “The Hardcore Gamer” (which in reality, is just “A Gamer”)

Advertising pays for part of the magazine, just like how advertising pays for part of a website.

And then we can talk about Jeff Gerstmann getting “fired” for the Kane & Lynch review, but instead I’ll let you hear it from his own words –

“The Hardcore Gamer” is no longer succumbing to “propaganda”, and if that’s the case – they can only rely on “Word of Mouth” for their game suggestions.

But trusting “The Word of Mouth” is trusting your friend isn’t prejudice towards or against a game company – and that they have the same tastes in games as you do. I trusted “word of mouth” when I picked up Anarchy Reigns – and the multiplayer is fantastic, but the single player leaves much desired. And when I say that – they got a bit mad at me. People’s tastes in games are different.

And you know me – GO PICK UP WHEEL OF FORTUNE FOR PS3 BECAUSE IT’S A GAME SHOW, AND I LIKE GAME SHOWS

But to some – “It’s enjoyable, but eventually, like any game show game – you’ll run out of puzzles and then it’ll get boring.”

It’s also trusting the “Word of Mouth” isn’t doing it as “a character reviewer” and can actually tell you the pros and cons of a video game, without poorly acting as a whiny annoying asshole.

BUY IT TODAY

BUY THE QUOTE TEE TODAY!

Speaking of “Quote Tees” –

The stereotypical hardcore gamer is out of shape, and has poor hygene. They spend a lot of their disposable income on video games, consoles, or PC upgrades, and a large percentage of their free time either playing video games or discussing them, online and off. They wear either black clothing, or T-shirts with geeky pop-culture references, often to video games. Their social skills may be sub-par, and they may be less likely than others their age to have many friends, a jobs and a girlfriend/boyfriend. Some of these stereotypes are negative, and they certainly don’t apply to all hardcore gamers, but there’s a fair amount of truth to them.

Which can actually be said about most “geeks” in general – don’t forget wearing fedoras and having an unhealthy obsession with “My Little Pony : Friendship is Magic”.  But let’s debate the final parts.

may be less likely than others their age to have…

many friends,

With the dawning of “The Internet Era” – many people are making friends online – many of them aren’t even gamers. They just share a hobby like kayaking, skeet shooting, “voting republican” among others. They might not have that many “friends” in their town that they can personally hang-out with, but they might have just as much friends on the internet to talk to.

a jobs

Which makes no sense, considering the first part is “they have disposable income for video games and computer parts”. How do they get the money to fund their addiction? Lottery Winnings? “Donations” from those who do have jobs?

and a girlfriend/boyfriend

That could be said to just about anybody and some people are “single and loving it”… GOD I’M LONELY :(

So in conclusion…

Hardcore Gamers are not “those who want a challenge” nor “those who are REALLY good at fragging people in online games” – they are a marketing ploy by companies to get you to believe that such people exist so you can spend more money on a “Gaming Subculture” which doesn’t really exist either, because everybody plays games differently.

So stop bragging – and start having “fun” with video games.

-Jordan
“Was not sponsored by Gamer Grub for this rant”

The long awaited “DmC : Devil May Cry Review”

I loved it, move along.

I loved the game, it was well worth the wait and abuse.

+4

But really folks, you knew that was going to be my opinion. I am so biased for this game, that I decided to link to metacritic for a full run-down.

But here are a few reviews –

Adam Sessler – 3 out of 5

GameInformer – 9 out of 10

IGN – 8.5 out of 10

Gamespot – 8 out of 10

Destructoid (co Jim Sterling) – 9 out of 10

So there are a few reviewers who have played this game probably longer than I have, but have a great background about what they liked and disliked about the game. And as you see, they liked it which means (to the DMC Fanboy)

THEY WERE PAID OFF!

Well I am here to tell you, that I am NOT paid off by Ninja Theory, nor really anybody (can someone give me money anyway?) and I really liked the game.

LETS TALK ABOUT THE COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE GAME?

"Entitlement" is what it's called.

So let’s talk about all the claims one-by-one

  • Because it shits all over a ten year old franchise that didn’t need a reboot.

We are already starting off here with an opinion – has it really “shat all over a ten year old franchise”? Personally, I like to think it didn’t, it’s the equivalent of complaining about modern Sonic the Hedgehog video games and going “NOT BECAUSE HIS EYES ARE GREEN, BUT BECAUSE HE SHAT OVER GREEN HILL ZONE”.

The last Devil May Cry Game was “Devil May Cry 4” in 2008, so it’s been 5 years since the last Devil May Cry game – and this time around instead of a demon-slayer owning a shop where you hire him to slay demons, the town around him is the demon and he fights it. And it does a fantastic job of keeping the hack-and-slash mechanics in play.

  • Because it took a charming, cheesy, light-hearted character and turned him into a potty-mouthed teenager. 

Dante in DmC is just as charming, cheesy and light-hearted as the Dante you remembered, yes they include “fuck you” and “little shit” and it’s cringeful, but I feel that’s part of the Cheese of the game. He is learning about who he is as a demon slayer and as his hair changes color, so does his attitude towards life.

  • Because it runs at 30 frames per second.

Luckily, you can pick it up on the PC in a couple weeks – in it’s full 60 FPS!

  • Because it has the sort of dialogue I’d expect to hear from 13 year olds on xbox live.

It’s not that bad – but the dialogue sounds more like first-year screenwriting, or the hate fueled comments on Tumblr…

GOOD REVIEW!

  • Because the gameplay has no depth

The original Devil May Cry had no “depth” – you kill demons, move on to the next room, kill more demons, face a boss, rinse repeat.

The same is here for DmC – go to area, jump on platforms, face more demons, face a boss, repeat.

As far as a storyline is concerned – there is plenty of “depth”, it’s so much depth that it ends up beating you over the head with everyone’s fears and phobias and their own reason why they want to get rid of the demons.

Vergil’s mission to end the demons is to “free the people” and make them “seek the truth”, unknowing that his elitist proposition puts people like Kat at risk. Vergil would appear to be “the hero” as his morals are high, but as in any Devil May Cry – he eventually turns…spoiler.

Kat’s mission to end the demon uprising, was her backstory involving her being raped at an early age, she moves on and uses her abilities as a psychic to assist Dante, but as she progresses – she begins to second guess her own intuition and fears she is doing more harm than good in her plans.

Dante was a womanizer, as evident by the opening credits, but as the game progresses – he has a fondness for Kat and wants to take care of her. He starts losing his identity as the “sexual deviant” and matures as the “devil slayer” (even if he doesn’t lose his cursing)

Devil May Cry Fans – THEY DON’T LIKE CURSING!

  • Because the gameplay is mind numbingly easy

I like how “easy” is used as a reason to hate a video game – the game is much “easier” than Devil May Cry games, yes – but that’s not to say there is challenge in the boss fights. You still need quick reflexes to complete the game, and just imagine if they DID have a lock-on, then it would be “easier” (which is something I feel the game needed)

If you ever didn’t like “Devil May Cry” because the game was “Too Tough”, then this game is a way to bring you back with open arms. And as a guy who sucks at video games, this game provides a decent challenge that makes me hate the platforming more than getting killed by the demons.

  • Because you can beat the enemies on the hardest difficulty setting with one hand, without looking at the screen, using one attack that stunlocks them until they die.

Has this actually happened? Has it really? Even the boss stages? I want someone to try this out – get a blindfold and play this game with one hand using only the stunlock.

Because if that’s the case – you have something over me. But if you’re talking about sending over something off YouTube – I won’t believe you. (For starters, we live in a day where you can record gameplay videos, view them on your television, pretend to play the controller for a while and say “you did it”)

I want to be there, in person. Because otherwise – you’re full of shit.

  • Because it openly spits in the face of the fans who made the series what it is

A game PHYSICALLY went up to you and spat in your face? Because to me, it had everything I remembered about Devil May Cry

-Guy Named Dante
-Demon Slaying
-Eating Pizza
-Getting Crazy
-Funny One Liners (that mop cut-scene cracked me up)

Actually, if we can continue…

Those two scenes that people bitch about – the “Mop Scene” (a mop head lands on Dante’s head giving him his old hairstyle, he looks in the mirror and says “not in a million years”) and the “Games Ending” (Spoiler – he looks like Dante again)

That is proof of Devil May Cry having some good writing (the visuals around them are overexplained) as Dante is trying to figure out who he belongs. And much like the Capcom Purists, are afraid of change. His hair “changed” for a quick second – and he dismissed it, but once it became evident that the change would happen – he had internal conflicts with himself, but ultimately accepted the changes.

Kat: “You’re Dante. Nothing more, nothing less”.

So yes, the dialogue is cringeworthy, and the platforming takes some getting used to. But I had fun with the demon slaying and the visuals, even though they were 60 FPS – made for an interesting game.

I waited so many years for this game, and was impressed. It was well worth it. Thank You Ninja Theory for giving me a new love for Devil May Cry. Just hire a script doctor next time.

+4

-Jordan

MATH IS HARD!

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