Monthly Archives: December 2012

Five Games I am looking forward to playing in 2013 (that’s not DmC)

I’m not a game journalist by any means. I just type out words on a computer and some people read it (like 12 people). Others ignore me, so I have the same influence as store-brand ‘Dr. Pepper’ when it comes to these things.

As 2012 dies down in video games, I have a few games I am looking forward to playing in 2013 (unless it gets pushed to 2014).

#5 – ANARCHY REIGNS

Last year, all my friends were telling me to get a Japanese PS account so I can play the demo. And I didn’t. I’M HONEST NICE GUY JORDAN. They wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it, and a week ago, I caved in and preordered the game for $30. Simply because in the trailer, I saw someone decapitate an enemy with a stop sign. Reminding me of Mad World, then I found out it was from the same developers, then I found out it’s a multiplayer brawler and you can play online. Then I was ashamed in myself, but I still won’t get a Japanese PS Account just for a demo.

#4 – METAL GEAR RISING REVENGEANCE

I hate stealth games, they waste my time doing nothing than smashing buttons to kill enemies. Metal Gear Rising seems to be making sure there is action around every corner, and that stealth is kept to an absolute minimal. It’s a hack-and-slash, but with beautiful graphics and a killer physics engine, this is one game I can’t wait to pick up… in February 19, 2013.

#3 – THE LAST OF US

In this current generation of consoles, leave it to Naughty Dog to take familiar genres and put a whole new spin on them. With Uncharted, you had a “Tomb Raider” adventure game – with a beautiful landscape and brilliant puzzle solving. I’ve played games like “Hydrophobia” and “I Am Alive” – both I would label as “Survival Games”, they aren’t Survival-Horror, because there isn’t really any creatures created by mutation.  “The Last of Us” takes the dying genre of Survival Horror – and adds something called “storytelling”, that could make it 2013’s Game of The Year, if “The Walking Dead” was any indicator for this year’s game of the year.

#2 – BIOSHOCK : INFINITE

I’ll be honest – I have never played a Bioshock game in my life. But what’s getting me excited about this version of the game is that you won’t have to play any of the other games to enjoy this one. Instead of an underwater utopia, it’s an above ground floating-sky utopia, with a very colorful landscape that almost seems fairy-tale in nature, but I’m sure as the game progresses, it’ll feel more like an episode of “Once Upon a Time” with the action.

#1 – REMEMBER ME

This is a game I am looking forward to the most after Devil May Cry this year to play. I am a sucker for innovative game mechanics, and while this feels like “Assassin’s Creed with Mind Control”, the ability to rewind like “Prince of Persia” makes it pretty interesting.  I won’t get another “Mirror’s Edge” anytime soon, but “Remember Me” might get the coveted “Game I’m looking forward to that is so under the radar right now”.

Another article about Devil May Cry.

DEVIL MAY CRY!

A few years ago, when the very first trailer for Devil May Cry showed up – I was one of the rare people who actually ENJOYED this new “reboot” for Dante. Sure, he’s a guy who smoked and looked like he got his ass kicked in the photos.

Dante 2010

This is the Dante in 2010, the one that everybody was bitching about… who looks like

Edward Cullen
Little Nicky

or the one I love the most – THE GAME’S CREATOR

MY BODY IS READY LOL VIDEO GAME JOKES 2012

And in a way, you could say that – I mean look at the hairstyle and v-neck.

It’s completely different from the original dante.

Picture 6

He has white puffy hair he looks like

  • A member of any pop band in the 60s.
  • A puffy J-Pop singer of the 90s.
  • Myself when I don’t go to the hair salon for a month.

But he eventually got redesigned.

Dante 2012

His hair is somewhat shorter and has become a bit of a mohawk-type haircut. He still has the jacket, but he no longer smokes. So now that he doesn’t look a thing like the creator, nor does he smoke…

What can you say now to make you NOT want to play it?

FUCK YOU!

Oh yeah, THE ABUNDANCE OF “FUCK YOU”, that’s the ongoing joke among Devil May Cry-Hards. (What I’m calling the haters of the new series) is the writing is shit because it’s Dante saying “Fuck You” giving the middle finger and watching the world around him say “FUCK YOU” right back at him.

Granted, it ruins the “grittiness” of the word and makes it poor/sloppy writing. Use your “fucks” carefully otherwise it becomes very comical.

When I played the Demo for the game, I cringed a few times at the writing, I will gladly admit that. Especially at the lines “Little Shit” and “Dante the Demon Slayer”. It reads like horrible fanfiction from a 13-Year Old who’s idea of Dante isn’t one who fights demons, but rather “fights the system, which are demons”

I’m sure you’re going to get all the pizza eating, backflips and creature killing of a typical Devil May Cry game, you’ll even get some snappy one-liners that will be similar to your “Original Dante”

But for the majority of the game – expect lines that read out of an episode of Angry Video Game Nerd.

But here’s my problem with what’s going on with “Devil May Cry”.

IT’S A FUCKING REBOOT

re·boot
To turn (a computer or operating system) off and then on again; restart.

In gaming, storytelling or whatever – it’s a nice way of saying “Everything that happened prior to this never happened in this universe”. Reboots are usually done when the writers are pinned into a corner, or when a series has been dead for a long time and brought back.

For the sake of Devil May Cry, it would be the “pinned into a corner – Devil May Cry 4 was going to continue with you playing the role of Nero, Vergil’s son and “Rebellious Teenager”.  But the Devil May Cry fans weren’t satisfied with this new character, they wanted Dante – and for a bit in the game, they got him. But not nearly enough as what they wanted, so they whined about it.

Eventually, Capcom decided “Nah, fuck making a Devil May Cry game – they are just going to bitch at it anyway. Let’s give it to someone else to make them angry.”

And that someone else was “Ninja Theory”.

AND WHAT’S THE CONSCIENTIOUS?

“THE NEW DANTE LOOKS LIKE A FAGGOT”

That’s right – Homophobic slurs, because a reboot of a video game series isn’t exactly what you had in mind. Over a video game.

HEY “DONTE” HATERS! INSTEAD OF BITCHING ABOUT A VIDEO GAME YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF BUYING, PICK UP “DEVIL MAY CRY : HD COLLECTION” AND REMINISCE ABOUT “THE GOOD OLD DAYS”.

hater doesn't know was "misogynist" means.

That’s all I am saying – what is the need to bitch about Capcom for retooling the series? You haven’t played the full version of the game yet, you just know “THAT ISN’T DANTE BOOO!” and “Ninja Theory has the game, therefore it’s going to be terrible BOOO!”

I consider the haters to be the equivalent of the teenager getting angry at their mother so they repeat all the words she says in a whiny tone, unknown to those around them that they are the most annoying person there.

Or maybe a crying baby not getting candy

I preordered the game in advance, and if the game is bad – oh well, at least I played the full game itself before coming up with the decision. But if the game is good or enjoyable – then I feel like it was worth the two-three years of hate. I’m NOT expecting the Dante from the old games, I’m expecting a new Dante to have it’s own charm and characteristics to make me love the guy enough to play as him.

But do I feel like it will be “GAME OF THE YEAR” material? Fuck no.
At least I’m not being irrational.

-Jordan
“a manchild faggot with the most punchable face ever in the history of the Universe PERIOD”

EDIT: TO THE FEW PEOPLE WHO FEEL I AM BIASED, HERE’S A COUNTERPOINT TO MY ARGUMENT!

Read This One

Read This Two

…or like I said, you could just play Devil May Cry HD and shut the fuck up.

IN CONCLUSION:

DmC haters

Five Games to Pick Up

Cards Against Humanity

What makes Cards Against Humanity so great is the fact that it’s the modern day “Match Game”, condensed into an “Apples to Apples” rule set. You don’t have to be a comedy genius to play the game, you just have to play the right card at the right time – where “Tangled Slinkies” and “Parting the Red Sea” can be acceptable answers to “During Sex, I like to think about ____”.

Monopoly Millionaire

You’ll have to be patient to play through an entire game of Monopoly – a time waster of a board game turns into a heated argument with trades and backstabbing. But with Monopoly Millionaire, you will spend roughly an hour playing this – and have a good time. You can still buy property and houses, but as the game progresses – the money increases until whoever is the first to make $1,000,000 wins. You can still screw people over, but now it revolves entirely on luck.

Wheel of Fortune (PS3/360/IOS)

Where can you get a sedan worth $10,000?

I am a big fan of game shows, but you already know that. But Wheel of Fortune is one of the best game shows out there, simply because you can be a complete idiot and still end up winning out of a sure guess. What makes this game “The Best” is the fact you have online multiplayer (Which really works) and a huge number of unlockables, some of the mini-games make good time wasters and I haven’t had a repeated puzzle thus far – after ten games… eventually it might happen – but they have DLC.

Jeopardy Junior (DOS/NES)

For Idiots

People just aren’t smart enough for the regular jeopardy, I never understood why they would adapt it to home use. But over the year, I’ve been playing Junior Jeopardy on the livestream – with hilarious things happening all the time. Of course it’s a game for kids, but sometimes the questions get so tough that nobody could answer. If you want to feel like a genius – pick this up on “The Internet”.

Headbanz

Remember that episode of The Office?

The kids version is stupid, the adult version is pretty cool, but it’s the same game where you put a notecard on your head and have to guess what you are – just with a bunch of words put in place. I’m sure if you grab 3×5 cards you can make the game even more wild, but that’s only when the kids aren’t around.

Something Something Holiday Something

 

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