Monthly Archives: January 2012

SALT N’ PIPA or “SOPA RANT #2414124124”

In an earlier Article I wrote called “Mischief. Mayhem. SOPA.” , I discussed the SOPA Protesting, and offered a realistic stance – Piracy is wrong and we should stop it. But if the bill passes, you should not be alarmed, as companies really wanted to use the bill to go after illegal peer-to-peer websites and not your fucking tumblr blog.

In an after-hours 2AM video, I mumbled something about how pathetic the “blackout thing is” or something. I really can’t even understand what I said, it sounded pretty terrible.

And now I am going to continue my bitching spree, yet again, on the internet.

Let’s suppose, for instance that this poorly drawn person is “The Internet”

He is everyone’s best friend, he lets you borrow his CD Collection, his Movie Collection and recently DVR’d episodes of Dexter.

But, oh no! He is getting sick! There is some sort of problem with him…

All we know about him is that “piracy” is what’s making him ill.

For the sake of making this metaphor even more confusing, we’re going to pretend that “The Doctor” is Media Corporations, Viacom, NBC-Universal, Whatever. And their remedy to fix the solution is with the “Stop Online Piracy Act”

Yes, it would stop the cure for “Piracy”, but at the same time completely obliterate what is “The Internet”

I mean, he’s still the internet, it’s just a bloody mess, with tissue and organs dripping out. If you don’t like the crappy drawings, you have to forgive me, my illustrator FUCKING DITCHED TO GO TO MAGFEST WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS!

Secondarily, there is a “Protect Intellectual Property Act”, which is nearly the same bill that goes to the senate. And the same effect happens if they go through with it – Internet goes boom. It cures the piracy, but also destroys the brain.

Both Congress and the Senate have the button, and if any of them push it, websites can be taken down for “breaking copyright”. Forget about “Freedom of Press” or “Freedom of Expression” or your precious “Fair Use” – it’s over! BUT HE’S CURED!

Doesn’t that sound terrible?

What is needed is a middle ground between both industries that can solve this problem, and make it operational again. It’s bad enough we had to fight Net Neutrality for a long time, but now there’s this. Create a bill that can make both sides happy, can promote creativity by both the mainstream media and the internet, promote businesses on both sides, and most importantly – create jobs.

THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!

Instead, what we got today was a bunch of boo hooing because “Wikipedia” is on lockdown for the day.

You can still view the website through “mobile wikipedia” or by cache. This idea is fantastic, because  it gives Jimmy Wales an excuse to get you to donate more money for his website.

Hello, my name is Jimmy Wales. Remember that thing we did in January regarding the Stop Online Piracy Act? Now imagine a world where that happened 24/7, 365 days a year? No more Wikipedia, at all. College Students will be shitting their pants because they didn’t research anything for their research assignments, High Schoolers will be upset because it gives them an excuse to search “vagina” and see free porn. Won’t you donate to give these kids access to public domain photographs of genitalia? I’m not asking for much, just a small donation of $100. The economy might be rough, but it’ll be rougher if I don’t get my fucking gold plated urinal.

That’s just the start of it, not only is that going on, but reddit is closing up shop for the day!

You wanted to see some cat videos today? Well fuck you, go find them yourself! CONGRESS IS GOING TO TAKE DOWN MY SITE.

EVEN “THE CHEEZBURGER NETWORK” closed down shop today, which came more across as “Please keep the internet free and open, so I can continue to become the Ebaums World of this generation and steal other people’s creativity so I can continue making a profit”. Fuck off!

And one of my favorite websites, Destructoid.com has even decided to “Close Down” shop for the day, as a protest against SOPA. That way, you become so annoyed that you talk to your congressman about this!

WELL GUESS WHAT INTERNET, I DID! AND GUESS WHAT THEY SAID!

Yeah, my fucking congressman is on the fucking panel, AND HE’S IN FULL SUPPORT OF IT!
Oh and my senator is Barbara Boxer… yep I’m pretty much screwed…

But here’s an actual question – Do you REALLY think taking down “Destructoid” or “Reddit” for the day really got a message to the congress and senate?

Something tells me Elton Gallegly never watched “Talking to Women about Video Games” and Barbara Boxer strikes me as a person not in grasp with “those internet nerds”.

The Approval Rating for Congress right now is at 13%, this means that you are relying on the lowest rated congress in American History to NOT fuck up and destroy the internet. I mean if they vote “yes”, what are you gonna do, not vote for them?

None of these “Blackout” things work, because all it’s doing is annoying your audience. It’s not really going to “fix” anything, nor is it giving a “sobering look at the future” should the bill gets passed.

But you know what did work today? This –

Today, Google decided to “censor” out it’s logo, it didn’t blackout it’s website, it just covered it’s iconic logo with a black bar, and when clicked will talk about this crooked bill. It’ll still let you access it’s website, and didn’t try to piss you off into writing to your congressman.

Every congressman has a laptop computer, and unless they somehow have “Bing” or “Yahoo!” as their homepage and main search engine, they will actually have to see this graphic every time they turn on their web browser throughout the day. This is all you needed to get the message out.

And no amount of “tweeting” will prove otherwise.

This whole day is a “First World Pains” joke, “Wikipedia is Down”, “I can’t check Reddit”, “I am refreshing a webpage and it’s not getting rid of the Blackout Thing”.

BUT IT GETS WORSE!

ScrewAttack’s “Stuttering Craig” teams up with “The Extra Credits Guy” and a couple other people you vaguely heard of to say “We’re not going to E3 this year, because the ESA supports SOPA”. I get it, you’re fucking pissed off over the “SOPA” thing, but look at yourself – you’re a fucking game journalist. The whole job of a “Game Journalist” is to promote fucking video games, give us updates on upcoming video games, company business news, sales figures, release dates, patch updates, DLC packs and deals. Your job is to give me, the consumer, valuable information in regards to video games. What new video games are coming out? Am I getting the most out of my money with this game? How is my favorite game developer doing businesswise? Was it a smart decision to buy a video game console opening day?

Yes, we get news about “Demo of Video Game Out Now!” and “Exclusive Trailer for Video Game!” from time to time, but lately it’s been “Fuck Capcom, they took out Mega Man Legends 3, BOYCOTT!” and “Fuck Ninja Theory, they are castrating Devil May Cry, BOYCOTT! and Fuck these game companies supporting SOPA, BOYCOTT!” You’re not a political journalist, you fucking write about video games for a living.

Are you going to write to Cliffy B about his thoughts on the Primaries, next? Perhaps we should be treated to an article about “How Homefront best represents the situation regarding our troops in Afghanistan”. Articles about rather a company is for-or-against a lobbying bill, isn’t “game journalism”, it’s strictly political. Your goal when writing those articles is to sway your readers into possibly “boycotting” a certain company because they promote something that you don’t like.

Even though EA, Nintendo and Sony all flip-floped and are now “Anti-SOPA”, I still would have bought their video games and products even if they we’re for it. I’m not going to “stop liking something” and “boycott” just because I disagree with them over something, such as these “Piracy Acts”, I am a natural consumer whore.

If you guys are going to “boycott” E3, can I have your press passes?

Stop treating this bill like it’s “The End of the World”, if it gets passed – it can easily be overturned by President Obama or The Supreme Court. If Barack Obama says it’s unconstitutional, which he alluded to earlier this week. All you really need to worry about is rather or not The Supreme Court is paying attention to this bill.

So yes, SOPA is an atomic bomb that will destroy the internet. It’s a crooked bill, and the reason many politicians are probably going through with this is because they we’re paid off by the MPAA, the same assholes who Invented PG-13. But we’re you surprised? Politicians getting paid to vote certain ways, please don’t tell me you’re that naive!

I think MY FAVORITE TWITTER said it best –

The Best Scoring System!

People are mad at the scoring system of video games, movies, or whatever. There are so many ideas of a scoring system that we now have to have a “metacritic” score. is 4/5 another way of saying 40/50 or 80/100 or B-? Is a 5 out of 10 really terrible, or is it ‘average’ as people want to believe?

If you’ve seen webster, or the Busy Street liveshow, you’ll know that I’ve invented a scoring system that goes from -5 to +5.

It makes it easy for the audience – because a “positive” score means “i liked it”, a “negative” score means “i did not like it” and the score of a zero means “i’m indifferent”.

BUT LET’S GO DOWN THE LINE!

-5 : NEVER GET!

You wish this never existed. You want to forget about it as soon as possible and pretetend it never happened. Don’t buy it, don’t even look at it. If you see it for a dollar, don’t even buy it as a memento. Nothing about it is worthwhile.

-4 : VERY BAD!

If you want to be a masochist and want to watch something bad, this is for you. It’s terrible, but if you can come out with one positive, then it belongs here. You might have that feeling watching Alvin and the Chipmunks : Chipwrecked.

-3 : AVERAGE BAD

It’s bad, you aren’t watching it. It’s most of the movies that take up Comedy Central’s line-up or a game based off a license. It’s tiresome, and is just made for the sake of profit, not entertainment.

-2 : KINDA BAD

You played it, and were disappointed it couldn’t be better than you imagined. You watched the movie and felt it was missing a few pieces, or had a ton of unanswered questions.

-1 : INTOLERABLE

Hey you watched something, and have that “well i don’t know” as to why you don’t like it. I mean it’s not the worst thing in the world, and odds are there is a fanbase that loves this, you just don’t fit in with that crowd.

0 : IN THE MIDDLE

Unknown. Your brain is mush, you can’t describe what you saw. Was it bad? Was it good? It was “a movie” or “a game”.

+1 : TOLERABLE

You played it, and liked it. Unknown as to why you liked it, but hey it’s better than an eye-gouging.

+2 : KINDA GOOD

For now, it’s good, maybe in a couple months or years, it’ll be forgetable and just become “another movie”. Remember that one movie with that one guy? This is that movie.

+3 : AVERAGE GOOD

You played it, and it was enjoyable. When you beat the game, you might trade it off for credit or leave it on the shelf until you get the urge to replay.

+4 : VERY GOOD!

There is rarely anything you can gripe about the movie or game, almost flawless, but it’s big on fun. Your Saints Row The Third or 300 movies go here.

+5 : IT’S A BUY!

If you don’t own a copy of this, you will lose friends and gain enemies. Somehow, someway you need to get it. Rather it’s a DVD or Video Game, you need to see this. It’s game of the year, movie of the year or whatever of the year. Completely enjoyable.

VIDEO GAME BLIND BOXES

Video Game Bargain Bins are one of the purest joys a gamer could have. Sure, you’ll get Madden 2006 or “Cool Hand Luke : The Game” in the bin most of the time, other times you’ll find classics like Burnout : Paradise or Marvel vs Capcom 3. It really is like looking for Buried Treasure.

However, it’s nearly impossible to sell the crap games, and still end up with a profit.
Alternatively, it’s really difficult to entice people into buying bargain bin video games.

Luckily I have the solution – Blind Boxes!

If you’ve been to an Urban Outfitters, a Toy Store or Disneyland in the last couple years, you’ll know exactly what these things are. People pay $5-$25 for a box, they do not know the contents of the box until they open it and once it’s been opened, there is no going back. Your $10 investment hoping for a “Peter Griffin” figurine might end up giving you Meg Griffin. It’s almost “High Stakes Capsule Toy Buying”.

Here’s my idea – take that concept and adapt it into video game sales.

The idea is simple – you wrap around the game case a black piece of paper, if you want to make it easier for the customers – separate the wrapping per console – PS3, 360, Wii, whatever. Maybe add a bow during Christmas shopping.

Next – you place them up against the shelf, like most video games. But it’ll be confusing because the entire wall is littered with these black cases.

Then, you charge people $10 to pick a game from the shelf…

If you want to be nice about it – you can give off the list off possible video games. Be sure that you wrapped a major AAA Title and placed it on the shelf, to make it the “rare” video game, that way you know it’s not entirely made of crappy video games and you’re making people waste their money.

When they open the case, there is no going back. If they want to sell it back to you, they are only getting $1. Who knows if they’ll get two copies of “Guitar Hero 2” sans controller, or if they’ll actually get “Skyrim”. It’s all random chance. And no doubt it’ll increase the number of buys in the game store. Madden 2006 or Madden 2012? Deus Ex : Human Revolution or “The Simpsons Game”. The choices are in their hands.

FANDOMS AND YOU!

What is the easiest way to piss off somebody on the internet? Simple:

Person 1 : I like this thing.

Person 2 : I don’t like this thing.

Person 1 : Why not?

Person 2 : Explanation.

Person 1 : SHUT UP! YOUR TROLL!

Why is it so easy to annoy fandoms, some people don’t like Harry Potter or Star Wars, some people really don’t give a shit about Doctor Who or My Little Pony. But if you DARE CRITICIZE WHY YOU DON’T LIKE IT – YOUR TROLL!

Notice how I brought up popular culture, it’s because fans of internet celebrities are really really pathetic, no matter WHO it is. Even if you’re one of my fans, you’re probably an idiot. Thanks for the Subscribes and Follows and what-not, but you can have your own opinions too. No need to be a part of a hive-mind, it’s the Mob Mentality that really ruins things for people.

The way a fandom works – you probably like something. Then you try and find a place where there are people with similar interests, and then you make it “your internet home”. That is until one of three scenarios play out:

A: The site dies, you forget to update, are the only one updating, and are the last person standing in this empty dark void you used to call a “Message Board”.

B: The site remains the same, but you “grew out of it” into something else, and find a new forum to get to.

C: The site grows huge, now you can’t find “your friends” anymore, because it’s a field of people quoting lines from the show, or showing off sickening fan-art or fan-fiction or role-playing that you just have to leave the site because you don’t want to be “associated” with those kinds of people, but it is too late…

You’re like a man caught in an endless desert, just trying to find salvation. This equates tothe internet, all you’re going to find is a mirage. It’s not wrong to “like” any fandom, it’s your hobby, it’s your decision of what to watch… it just grows into becoming this huge monster where fans get creepy with it, that you start second guessing why you liked it in the first place.

And that my friends, is why Final Fantasy VII : Advent Children is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

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